Hard days.

I've discovered that the toughest part of this whole "moving forward" bit is the part about not being able to forget the past. I'm not sure what my problem is... maybe it's the weather... maybe it's the fact that I haven't seen him in a week... whatever it is - the last couple of days have been really hard. I just want to curl up into a ball on my bed and wait until it's all past. I get up in the morning and by the time I make it into the bathroom I'm thinking about him. I spend my walk to work praying that I will think about something else for the day and about every five or ten minutes during the day I berate myself for not being able to keep my mind off of how much I miss him or what the holidays are going to be like without him or any number of silly thoughts that I really should be able to get beyond. I sit and stare into the distance on my breaks and I cry myself to sleep at night when the missing gets to be to much. Not every day is like this - this seems to be a bad spell of some kind. I rejoice when I reach the end of my day and realize that I haven't spent more than a few moments thinking about him. God is good and continues to give me a peace about my decision. My friends and parents are blessings who tell me that they are proud of me for acting maturely and using my head when my heart is breaking. Ayla is a constant blessing who more often than not lets me break down crying on her shoulder when the going gets to be to much. None of this make it any easier. And I imagine that it really wont get easier until we are out of Moscow and I meet someone else... of course the idea of someone else hurts almost as much as the idea of him with someone else...
God, give me strength.

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